Saturday, September 29, 2012

Depression

I've been reading today. Looking for information to learn how to understand my own condition. It's like a whole new world opened up for me while reading into deep details about cells, tiny nerves, the connections in the brain and how our bodies create substances on it's own as a direct result of everything we go through. Not just humans, all living things share this complex system of how our nerves and brain react to our environment.

I'd love to explain everything I've learned today, but I'm not a brain scientist and I'm not sure if I've even understood a tiny fraction of how this thing works. One thing though: Serotonin... This neurotransmitter that controls our well-being and happiness. Along with a huge amount of other substances in our bodies it controls our feelings. How we behave, think and feel.

It's so abstract and still very clear. I don't even know what I want to say with this post, but I have to get it out somehow. Learning about the science behind the disease that I'm suffering from makes it so much easier to accept and deal with. The knowledge that all these scary, odd and sad feelings come from the chemistry in my brain helps me to get rid of the shame and guilt. It helps me to know there are ways to cure my brain, to help it function in a way to make me healthy again. Also that it's not my fault, it's not anyones fault. We are all created this way.

I've talked about mental health before, and now more than ever do I feel the need to talk about it. Get rid of the mysterious and shady fog that surrounds the topic. The stigma of it needs to go away. Depression can happen to anyone and there are as many causes for it as there are people suffering from it. It doesn't matter if it's caused by traumatic events, stress, a breakup or by nothing explainable at all. Learning that it's the same tiny nerves, cells and neurotransmitters that control this has taught me that depression is a real disease and it can be dealt with. It can't be shaken off or ignored. It needs to be seen, heard, felt and in the end, cured...

The photo in this post is the view from the hospital bed I've been in for the past week. No, I won't hide it, or lie about it or feel ashamed. I refuse to take part in a society where certain medical conditions are seen as something to be hidden away or ashamed of. I've spent a week at a psychiatric ward because of my depression and anxiety. This taught me more about humanity in a single week than years of school ever did. I want people to know, to see and to understand the suffering. I want to understand it myself. Knowledge and understanding is the best way to deal with anything. Psychiatry is the science of the soul. It's beautiful in a way.

5 comments:

  1. You are a brave girl Emmy, and I'm sure you will find a way to cure your brain. Remember, as long as you are able to love someone in this world, there is always hope!

    Get well soon and remember you are awesome :)

    /sax

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  2. This post is great ... it's so good to talk about this kind of stuff. I just hope you'll be able to feel more stable soon ... thank you for writing this :) x

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  3. Been through the same thing, except I was never sent into the ward. I also believe it's nothing to be ashamed of and that it's better for people to hear it from (me/or someone who has been through or are in it) myself cause usually their understanding of the subject is very limited and biased on arrogance and ignorance. I will be there if you ever need anything in this process climbing back up, be it coffee, a talk, a drawing session. You are an awesome and very inspirational person to be around and I know you'll get through this. Dun feel like you have to carry this load all to yourself. There are plenty of people who cares about you, and who are willing to listen to you. Me being one of them.

    All creds for you being this open about it.

    Lots of warm hugs!

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  4. Thank you! I've been worried about being open about it, but I've figured that hiding it makes it more shameful than being honest. I'm on the way to recovery and I've got my hope back. This thing will be beaten and reading your thoughtful comments really help me :)

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